• You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

• You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

• You have more wives than teeth.

• You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

• You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

• You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

• You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

• You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off
  roadside bombs.

• You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

• You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

• You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

• You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.

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